I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

Are You Andy or Barney?

Is it true that guys become cops because they can't work at McDonald's ?

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

If you'd try the stuff I just had, you wouldn't be so damn uptight.

Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

What? You need a license to drive?

Wow, no wonder your wife sleeps around, with your breath!

Is your power a penis substitute?

Yes, I know my driving is not 100%, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.

Can you come back in 5 minutes? I'm in the middle of a telephone conversation.

Oops...I thought you were a prostitute.

Do I have any fruits or vegetables? I don't know. Is cocaine a fruit or vegetable?

A hundred dollar fine? Well, I think George Washington can change your mind.

I pay your salary!

Did you pull me over because of the drugs under the seat, the body in the trunk, or the burned out tail-light?

Whoops, that's the fake one... here ya go, this is the one.

Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

Thanks Officer, that last cop only gave me a warning, too.

My gun fell off my lap and got lodged on the gas pedal.

Hey, is that a 9mm ? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!

Do you have any idea how much of a hurry I'm in?

You're lucky this car needs a tune-up or you'd have never caught me.

In California we drive like that all the time, what's the problem?

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

Aren't there real crooks somewhere you should be catching?

Well, those two other guys didn't stop for that school bus either.

Yes, I saw your lights on, but I thought you going to get a doughnut.

Just had to try out that new siren, didn't you?

Do you have any idea who you're talking to?

There's no way I was going 85. I had the cruise set at 80.

What's wrong, Ossifer? I swear to drunk I'm not God! And really, there is no blood in my alchohol.

That uniform makes your ass look really big.

You don't happen to have any beer in your car?

I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

So what if I was speeding? Whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?

Now that's funny!
Thanks eddie

reminds me of a video I saw, PO was doing the sobriety test on some guy and made him walk the straight line, fingers to the nose and alphabet backwards he passed everything she said good job and he said "Not bad for being drunk Huh"

He should have said "That uniform makes your ass look really big."

On the top of my list of things to say to a Cop...
No I don't know how fast I was going, can actually keep you from getting a ticket here in CA