I think I can fly
Three guys are in a bar on the top of a cliff. The first guy says to the other guys "You know, if had just one more beer, I reckon I could fly."

The second guy says "No Way!"

So the first guy orders a beer and drinks it. Then all three guys walk out to the edge of the cliff. The first guy jumps off, starts falling to the ground, and then flies gracefully back to the top of the cliff.

The second guy is totally amazed, so he says "You know, if I had another beer, I bet I could do that too."

All three guys go into the bar, and the second guy has one more beer. After he finishes, he says "Ok, I will be able to fly now."

All three of them go outside and the second guy jumps off of the cliff. He falls to the bottom, hitting the ground and dying instantly.

The third guy turns to the first guy and said "You know Superman, you can be a real jerk when you drink."

A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!" The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.


The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out .

"DARN, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

How do you know when a female bartender is pissed off at you?

Theres a string hanging out of your bloody mary!!

Three guys come into work Monday morning, each bragging about how drunk they were over the weekend. The first says, "I was so drunk Saturday I was blowing chunks all night." The second says, "That's nothing. I was so drunk that I blacked out, tried to drive home, and wound up spending Sunday in jail." The third then says "Big deal. I got so drunk this weekend that I picked up a hooker, brought her home, and was banging her on the kitchen counter when my wife walked in on us." The first guy then interupts and says, "But you dont understand... Chunks is my dog."

What does being in the service and sex have in common?

The closer you get to discharge the better you feel. badaboom bada bing!

Scottish Wedding

At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...

"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

SEX

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…..

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

Lance Armstrong

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,

especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst on drugs.

When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike.

Drive By

A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.

Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick bastard!!

The Agony of Aging

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

SCAM

Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favourite 18 Holes".

Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Pregnant Prostitute

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"

"For gosh sake, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?"

Dayum!

Yeah - I got those in an email - I hope I didn't insult anyone... BUT - I thought they were pretty funny!!

Here's a video that just made me bust out laughing... I ride bicycles and have for years, I always stay in and choose roads with bike lanes for safety... This motorcyclist is just saying what always goes through my mind when I see idiots on bicycles, or just stupid drivers...

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a6sOPE2C-og[/youtube]

Knob -ends!!

doesn't he have anything to do except bitch, what an asshole, they are all assholes driving on the wrong side of the road.